10 Ways To Deal Intelligently With Toxic People
“Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fear of giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!” — Yvonne Pierre
Toxic people defy logic. Some are completely unaware of the negative influence they have on those around them; others seem to enjoy stirring up trouble and provoking others. Either way, they are a source of unnecessary complications, conflict and, worst of all, stress. Dr. Travis Bradberry explains how to avoid them and keep your distance.
Stress can have a lasting negative impact on our brain. In just a few days, neurons in the hippocampus (a region linked to reasoning and memory) can become less effective. If stress continues for several weeks, it can cause reversible damage to the dendrites of neurons (the little “arms” that allow cells to communicate with each other). On the other hand, several months of stress can permanently destroy our neurons. It is therefore a terrible threat to your chances of success; if it gets out of hand, your brain and your efficiency can suffer.
Most sources of work-related stress are easy to identify. If your nonprofit is trying to get the grant it needs to operate, you’re bound to have it, and you probably know how to handle it. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that affect you the most.
Maintain distance
A recent study by the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Frietrich Schiller University in Germany showed that exposure to stimuli that caused intense negative emotions (similar to those you experience when dealing with difficult people) generated a great deal of stress in the subjects’ brains. Unmanageable people can put you in a state of extreme stress that should be avoided at all costs, because of their bad spirit, their cruelty, their victim posture or their madness.
The ability to manage your emotions and stay calm even when under pressure is closely linked to your effectiveness. TalentSmart has conducted studies on over a million people, and we have found that 90% of the most effective people are able to manage their emotions during times of stress, allowing them to remain calm. One of their most valuable qualities is the ability to neutralize difficult people. The most effective individuals have well-honed strategies for keeping them at bay.
I have listed many effective strategies for dealing with these people. Here are some of the best. You need to take an approach that generally allows you to control what can be controlled and eliminate the rest. The important thing to remember is that you have more control than you think.
1. Do not let yourself be invaded
Negative people and those who never stop complaining are problematic because they wallow in their difficulties instead of focusing on solutions. They want to draw others into their self-pity to improve their self-esteem. People often feel compelled to listen to those who complain, because they don’t want to appear insensitive or rude, but you can quickly get caught up in the negative spiral of these people.
You can only avoid this by setting boundaries and keeping your distance when necessary. Think of it this way: if the person complaining was smoking, you wouldn’t sit next to them all afternoon and inhale their smoke. You would put some distance between you and them, and that’s exactly what you should do. A good method is to ask them how they plan to deal with their problem. They will either calm down or move on to something more constructive.
2. Get a grip
Difficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is irrational in the extreme. So why let yourself respond to them emotionally, diving into the fray despite yourself? The more irrational a person is, the easier it will be for you to escape their traps. Stop trying to beat them at their own game. Keep them at arm’s length and handle your interactions as if they were a chemistry lab (or imagine you’re their shrink, if you prefer that analogy). You don’t have to react to emotional chaos; stay on the factual side.
3. Be aware of your emotions
Maintaining emotional distance requires awareness. You will not be able to stop someone from provoking you if you are not able to realize it at the time it is happening. At times, you will find yourself in situations where you need to regroup and decide on the best course of action. This is perfectly normal, and you shouldn’t be afraid to spend as much time as you need.
Think of it this way: if a deranged person approaches you on the street and tells you they’re John Kennedy, you’re unlikely to try to disabuse them of that notion. When one of your colleagues goes off on a similar rant, sometimes it’s best to smile and nod. If you have to talk some sense into them, it’s best to take the time to choose the best course of action.
4. Set boundaries
This is where most people tend to let themselves go. They feel that because they work or live with someone, they have no control over the chaos that comes with living together. Nothing could be further from the truth. Once you find a way to gain perspective on someone, you will begin to find their behavior easier to predict and understand. This will enable you to rationally determine when and to what extent it is best to be tolerant or not. Even if you are working closely on a project with one person on a team, that doesn’t mean you have to interact in the same way with everyone on that team.
You can draw a line, but you need to do so clearly and proactively. If you let things happen on their own, you risk getting drawn into difficult discussions. If you decide when and where you will approach a complicated personality, you will have much more control over the chaos. The only secret here is to stand firm and keep the boundary in place when the person tries to cross it, which will happen.
5. Preserve yourself
Intelligent people know that survival is important for fighting other battles, especially when your opponent is toxic. In a conflict, if you don’t control your emotions, they can cause you to dig in your heels and get into a battle that will leave you badly damaged. If you analyze your emotions before reacting to them, you will be able to choose your battles wisely, and be firm at the right time.
6. Focus on solutions rather than problems
The things you focus on determine your emotional state. When you focus on the problems you face, you generate and maintain negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to improve yourself and your surroundings, it gives you a sense of self-efficacy which in turn generates positive emotions and reduces stress.
When dealing with toxic people, focusing on their difficulty is like empowering them. Stop thinking about the problems they pose for you, and think about what you need to do to manage them. By putting yourself in control, this approach will make you more effective and reduce the amount of stress that interactions with them cause.
7. Don’t forget
Emotionally intelligent people forgive easily, but they don’t forget. Forgiveness implies the ability to let go of what happened and move on. But it doesn’t mean you give the person at fault a second chance. Smart people don’t like to be unnecessarily bothered by other people’s mistakes. That’s why they move on quickly and actively take steps to avoid having to suffer from it in the future.
8. Banish negative thoughts
Sometimes we absorb the negativity of others. There’s nothing wrong with being hurt by the way someone treats you, but what you say to yourself (the thoughts you have about how you feel) can intensify that negativity, or help you get past it. Negative self-talk is both unhelpful and self-destructive. It leads you into a downward emotional spiral from which you will find it difficult to escape. So avoid this kind of rumination at all costs.
9. Take time to sleep
I’ve been stressing this for years: sleep is essential for improving emotional intelligence and stress management. When you sleep, your brain recharges its batteries, so you wake up alert and clearheaded. Conversely, self-control, attention and memory are diminished when you don’t get enough sleep or sleep well. Lack of sleep is enough to raise stress hormone levels, even in the absence of an anxiety-provoking person. A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, more creative and more proactive in how you approach it.
10. Know how to ask for help
It is tempting, though totally ineffective, to try to handle everything by yourself. However, in order to avoid being overwhelmed by toxic people, you need to take a clear-eyed look at how you approach them and the flaws they have. This means relying on your supporters to give you the perspective you need. Everyone knows someone at work (or outside of work), who is willing to help them get through difficult situations as best they can. Identify the people who serve this function in your life and make a point of asking for their advice and help when you need it. Something as basic as explaining the nature of a situation can lead you to take a different view of the problem. Most of the time, others will be able to spot a solution that you are missing because they are less invested in the situation.
In summary
Before putting this system into action, you will need to do some testing. Most often, these will be delicate interactions with problematic people. Fortunately, the brain’s plasticity allows it to adapt and change as you practice new habits, even if you fail. Practicing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques in your dealings with difficult people will train it to handle stress more effectively and better protect itself from its deleterious effects.
