My Emotions… How To Improve Emotional Intelligence
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” — — Dale Carnegie..
My emotions… once upon a time in a meeting, I submit an idea that does not gain general support. One of my colleagues makes a bit of irony and I feel myself blushing.
I feel ashamed, I feel like a complete idiot, impossible to present a constructive answer. And I loop on it so much that I am no longer able to participate in the discussion. I go home. I spent my evening driving a cab between field hockey practice and the piano. Everything is a mess and my phone beeps every two minutes with every incoming email… So when my youngest, 4, reminds me that tomorrow he absolutely must wear his red pants — obviously still soaked in the washing machine — I explode. “You couldn’t think of that before?! It’s not possible, but where is your head?
And then I get annoyed, it’s not so bad and yet I’m overflowing. I rant about a detail.
Why do my emotions change my behavior so much? Are there ways to regulate their impact on my life?
How to look at emotions
1. The unloved emotions
Our education has often given us ways to keep them quiet or to hide them. “It’s babies who cry”, “don’t be a baby”. These ready-made expressions contribute to make us believe that what is emotional is childish and not worthy of interest.
Worse, emotions are the prerogative of the weak, as Oscar Wilde put it. “Only the weak take years to free themselves from an emotion. He who is master of himself can stifle a sorrow as easily as invent a pleasure”. Quench: the word is strong and implies that the way to strength and wisdom is through the extinction of emotions. “Don’t cry”, “be strong”, “whatever happens, smile”.
We need to put a lid on what we feel. If we are in a society that glorifies neutrality, control, self-control and image, then emotions are the beast to slaughter.
2. What is the purpose of emotions?
And yet, beyond cultural representations, what are these emotions really? What are they used for? A small detour by the Larousse. It reminds us that an emotion is a “transient affective reaction of great intensity usually provoked by a stimulation from the environment”.
We could therefore say that an emotion, pleasant or unpleasant, is a physiological reaction to an external event. The subway doors closing in front of you. And the extra 8 minutes of waiting: frustration, anxiety. A child who brings the most beautiful pebble found on the way: tenderness. A superior who lynches a team member: disgust, exasperation. The success in an exam : satisfaction, optimism, relief. Baby cries again: discouragement, concern, annoyance.
As you can read, the range is wide. It offers us a thousand and one patterns to put into words how we react to something external that surprises us. And which is in fact a trigger.
3.Emotions in our brain
To continue, I’d like to take another look at the mechanisms of our brain. These always seem to me to offer a welcome change of perspective on our preconceived notions and beliefs. Our brain is composed of 3 areas:
- The reptilian brain which is the center of our primitive instincts and our primary needs. Like feeding ourselves or reproducing.
- The cerebral cortex which is the most mature part of our brain. This is where our ability to speak, imagine or create is drawn.
- And finally, the part that interests us: the limbic brain which is also called the emotional brain. It allows us to feel emotions and to memorize what we feel. This is where we find the circuit that processes external stimuli. These stimuli put our body into action to respond to the emotional imbalance caused by the emotions.
It is a real teamwork and cooperation that is triggered in our brain. This work is done between the hypothalamus, the pituitary and the amygdala. It is this assembly that reacts to an alarm. It short-circuits the usual mechanisms of our brain. And it mobilizes our resources to respond effectively to the threat.
4. The benefits of emotions
This is where we find the benefits of emotions:
Good indicators
First of all, they light up fires that effectively direct our resources. If I take the case of stress, our heart rate increases with our blood pressure and the liver releases more sugar to give us energy. It is also this circuit that pauses our digestive system and our pain receptors to redirect our entire body to respond to danger. Conversely, joy releases dopamine which irrigates the body and also gives it a good boost. Emotions are therefore the filter that allows us to sift through external stimuli and put the body into action to respond to them.
Emotions, a help to know ourselves better
Then, the second great benefit of emotions is to allow us to understand what is important for us and to know ourselves better.
For example, I am worried before this company seminar. I feel that if I make a bad impression, it will follow me and stick to me. I’m going to meet a lot of new people when I know so few people and I’m shy. My stomach hurts weeks beforehand and as soon as I think about it, I’m panicked, tense. It took me a long time to understand that behind these emotions was the fear of not being good enough. This kind of seminar is often a beautiful scene for people who are comfortable speaking and in groups, but for me, it is a painful comparison exercise.
However, nothing says that those who shine are better or that the quiet ones are worthless. My emotion revealed to me this bias that I had. Since then, I have gradually changed my outlook, I don’t condition my value so much to the gaze of others and I feel more aware of my strengths and confident in my projects.
An indicator of needs
Finally, they help us identify when our needs are not being met. If I take the example of my infant who never stops crying, what is my unmet need? A need to understand? For control? Or for silence? For a break? Or simply, am I lacking sleep, time for myself or balance? Behind an uncomfortable emotion often lies an unrecognized and unmet need. These are powerful signals that help us put our finger on it. Emotions thus indirectly allow us to progress in our knowledge of ourselves.
5. When emotions overwhelm us
If we understand all this intellectually, it doesn’t take away the fact that sometimes our emotions overwhelm us. Depending on our physical or mental state, the context of the moment can increase the hold of our emotions on our behavior and reactions.
That’s probably why I rebelled against my spouse who was just talking about his work day, while I’m at the end of my life with my to-do list still full. Not to mention my guilt at being torn between the kids and my job. Emotions can scare us because they make us lose our means, our control over the situation. This is why we often try to put a lid on them to better tame them or even deny them. Beware of explosions if the valve is blocked!
How to develop your emotional intelligence
“Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.” — Travis Bradberry.
However, to avoid slamming the door of your boss’s office or throwing your computer in his face after a negative feedback, know that there are ways to develop our emotional intelligence.
Moïra Mikolajczak, professor of psychology at the Belgian Catholic University of Leuven, led several studies in the field of emotional regulation during her post-doctorate at Stanford in the United States. She is a leading specialist in burnout, whether parental or professional. She starts from the fact that between the moment we get up and the moment we go to bed, we spend 90% of the time feeling emotions. Emotions impact our physical and psychological well-being, our performance and our relationships.
This is why she is dedicated to this subject and demonstrates through a study conducted with the largest Belgian mutual insurance company that the better the emotional relationship, the lower the consumption of medication, the frequency of visits to the doctor and the probability of being hospitalized.
1. Emotional competencies
Thereafter, she develops the concept of emotional competences which are 5 in number:
Identifying one’s emotions
Being able to identify your emotions. Do you know that most of us evolve with a very limited range of emotions: I am happy, I am sad! Some of us are more experienced and can name joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust and surprise.
Do you know that each of them contains a wide range of nuances. Learning to know them and enriching your vocabulary also allows you to better understand the diversity of feelings that run through us and the richness of our lives. And also to better understand the problem.
For example, joy can be fun, contentment, enthusiasm, delight, excitement, euphoria, pride, optimism, satisfaction or relief. Putting the right words in place allows us to better understand what we are experiencing and to initiate action, says Moïra Mikolajczak.
Indeed, we will not take the same actions if we feel pity or discouragement. Yet both make us sad. You can download a list of feelings on the site that will help you broaden your palette! Hang this list in a place where you can see it! It is valid for everyone! small or big!
Listen to your emotions
Second emotional skill: Listen to your emotions. Contrary to our reflexes, it is recommended to pay attention to our emotions. When you feel overwhelmed, clear your mind and welcome what is going through you. Don’t forget that emotions send us valuable signals to identify ways to change our lives, so let’s be receptive.
Expressing your emotions
Third skill: be able to express your emotions in a constructive way. We all know that when the pressure cooker is on, it is rare that the discussion takes a constructive turn.
I remember being very upset about the cancellation of a workshop I had spent weeks organizing, and I really wanted to punch the walls or my colleague across the street. Fortunately, with telecommuting, I was able to vent to my spouse and get the pressure off. I think that happens to all of us.
However, being able to express our feelings clearly and calmly is an essential skill. Specifically, it is this skill that keeps the line of communication open so that our feelings do not isolate us from each other but rather build bridges.
In this area, we recommend using the “I” rather than the more accusatory “you”. A constructively shared feeling gives strength to a relationship and restores a balanced relationship between the source of our emotion and what is going through us. We become the actor of the situation and no longer the passive puppet of our feelings.
Regulate our emotions
4th skill: being able to regulate our emotions. This is probably the most difficult skill. Being able to let our feelings in without letting them take over our reactions. We are going to give you some hints on how to do this.
Using your emotions to act
Finally, the 5th skill: knowing how to use your emotions so as not to lose a good opportunity to act. What do my bitterness and discouragement tell me about my situation right now?
Probably, this project in which I was so involved and which did not receive the expected reception weighs on my morale. What if I tried to understand the reasons why it didn’t work? Maybe I’ll explore other ways to do it better next time or realize that simply no one was mature/ready to get on board. In the meantime, what can I do to compensate for my discouragement? Perhaps spending a little more time in my genius zone and building on my strengths to regain my confidence can help.
2. Ways to regulate your emotions
Some concrete ways to regulate your emotions:
Work on your negative thoughts
You can start by working on your negative thoughts. Did you know that out of the 60,000 thoughts that cross our minds every day, 80% have a negative bias? This is because our brain reacts more intensely to a threat than to a positive trigger. To correct this, we can educate our eyes to the positive by paying more attention to the positive aspects in our lives. Why not write down three positive things every night.
Stop ruminating (brooding)
Rumination sometimes leads us to transform reality as we perceive it with our biases. It is a form of whirlwind that pulls us out of real life and drowns us in our negative perceptions.
Identify and express your emotions
In this same vein, when you are working on identifying and expressing your emotions, try to ask yourself how much of your feeling is due to your perceptions?
Is your sister really trying to humiliate you when she gives you that compliment that is so insistent it’s suspicious? “Wow, that dress looks great on you”. You don’t have to jump to the assumption that she’s implying that the rest of the time you can’t dress up. And “makes you look good” doesn’t necessarily mean “hides all your flaws”. The emotion can come from our perception of the situation or from an actual trigger. This reading will give you a good starting point to develop your skill 5 — Using your emotions.
Be optimistic
Try optimism. Too often underestimated and reduced to the naivety that is often associated with it, optimism is a foundation of resilience in all uncomfortable situations. Go to episode 23
3. Relying on your emotional skills
Moïra Mikolajczak demonstrates that building on these strong emotional skills is beneficial for both physical and mental health. She also shows that 15 to 18 hours of emotional skills development reduces stress and anxiety by an average of 24%, increases well-being and life satisfaction by 16% and social and human relationships by 10%.
Emotional intelligence in a nutshell
- Feeling emotions is a human characteristic that occupies one third of our brain.
- Emotions are signals sent by our brain to better understand us and to identify if our needs are met or not.
- Developing emotional intelligence means identifying, listening, expressing, regulating and using our emotions.
- Regulating your emotions means getting back in touch with your body, reducing the hold of your negative emotions and putting more positivity in your daily life.
It’s up to you dear readers, the 2 Minute Together card tells us that if you feel a strong emotion rising, take a break and write down exactly what you are feeling. Look for the source and ask yourself if you want to take action. AND… Let yourself be surprised by the benefits in real time and yes! Emotion flows better when it is welcomed!
Finally, to regulate the wave of emotions that overwhelms you and avoid throwing a tantrum worthy of a Terrible Two or the 2 year old crisis, a few ideas :
Accept yourself as imperfect
First, accept yourself as imperfect and accept that you are experiencing emotions. By dint of resisting them, they mobilize all our energy and end up taking all the space. This posture often generates the attitude “I am right, you are wrong”! Letting go and welcoming what is going through us is liberating and allows us to deploy our energy to better understand ourselves. Showing ourselves to be a little more vulnerable lowers the tension and allows us to strengthen our bonds with others and to show ourselves to be authentic.
Listen to your body.
When the wave rises, come back to your body. Our senses are great tools to anchor us in the real and present. For example, you can visualize a soothing image, touch a soft material, listen to a very loud or powerful song… All of this will allow you to break the emotional loop, to put some measure back into your feelings.
Relaxing
Finally, I’m pushing open a few doors here and there, but sleeping, relaxing and freeing ourselves from little worries are all ways to heal our mental well-being.
